The Ultimatum of Letting Go
Have you ever faced an ultimatum?
That moment where it's do this 'or else.' It's a very uncomfortable moment for the ego. There can be a lot of negotiating. There can also be a lot of promises that may or may not be kept.
Sometimes in life, I need my choices narrowed down to two to see clearly. I need it to make the next correct choice in life.
I was faced with the ultimatum to let go.
There was no 'or else'
In July 2021, we found that my wife had a tumor within her spine. It caused her so much pain that she could not walk unassisted at all. She suffered for months before we found out the root cause was a tumor.
The neurosurgeon told us that there was a high percentage it would be a successful surgery. That meant removing the tumor in one whole piece. The thing was 7cm long (2.76in). The sucker was huge to be in someone’s spinal column.
We had all the information we could need. But, a high success rate at removal was not a guarantee. Anything could happen. She could come out pain free. She could come out of it without the use of her legs. She may not even have come out of there.
We knew the rate of success and the risks. But there was not choice in this matter, it had to be removed.
She was scheduled for surgery on August 19, 2021. A few days before the surgery we were told that the hospital was in a lockdown again. That meant she was going in by herself. I would not see her for a week.
It was a tough morning, but full of love. Lots of holding hands, hugs, and encouragement. I’m all for crying as an outlet. But I tried my damndest to not cry when we hugged before I watched her walk away with a nurse. I wasn't sure I was going to see her again.
Time where nothing happened
After I left the hospital, I went for a hike to keep my mind and body occupied before I went home. The strangest thing happened to me.
You see, I'm a warrior at worrying. I'm a champion at planning. It's made me good at lots of things professionally. There was no plan after dropping her off. There was no future to even think about. There was a lot of uncertainty.
My mind was nearly blank the entire hike. There was no emotion or worry. It's as if my mind was given the ultimatum. You better let go of expectations of an outcome or you will lose your shit worrying.
For nearly three hours my mind was clear. I have not had this experience while meditating for years. No meditation retreat got me to this state.
Everything is temporary
I went home to wait. The thoughts started to pour in. I got the call that everything went smooth. The tumor was removed in one piece and they sent it to be tested for cancer. There was no damage to the nerves in her spine so she'll walk. She was recovering now.
I'd love to tell you that during this week of being apart while she recovered alone in the hospital went well for me mentally. The story would be great if she came home and I had clarity to not worry. But I can't. I reverted to worry and concern.
I think I got very overprotective after the surgery. My thoughts of the future should have been bright. She was able to walk and we could continue our lives together. But my mind was so caught up in everything bad that could happen. My moods got worse and I was under stress due to my job at the time.
I've been able to work through all this since then. I'm in a much stronger phase of my physical, mental, and spiritual life. I like to consider myself a warrior for letting go. In fact, my wife and I both are. We've put some practices into our life to help us when we start to hold tightly to ideas, being right, the past, or worries of the future. It’s not perfect, it’s a practice and we’re getting better at it.
I'm not chasing that clarity on the hike from three years ago. The past is not replicable. I focus on what I can do now with the skills I've developed and will continue to develop.
I'm left with a question to ask myself daily.
How can I live moment to moment as if I was given an ultimatum, let go or suffer from worry?
Until next time, be well.
-Mike
ps. The test results showed a benign tumor.